Don’t Pay For Pro House Cleaners (Do THIS Instead)

A Hack That Seems Too Good to Be True…But Isn’t.

Most of us can intimately relate to the struggle of balancing the Venn diagram of doing a good job at work, making time for things you inherently enjoy, nurturing your relationships, exercising/feeding your body, and keeping your home in semi-decent order.

As such, it’s become increasingly normalized for even average earners to hire professional cleaners on a recurring cadence. Even a frequency of once or twice a month is enough to give you some of that precious time back while regularly restoring your home with feng shui, shiny floors, the subtle perfume of cleaning products, and partially used toilet paper rolls that are suddenly tied off with little toilet-paper-origami rose buds.

But luxuries such as these are far from cheap. And if you’ve ever wondered if there was another way, it’s your lucky day, because I’m here to tell you there is.

Here’s how to get that clean without the hit to your wallet:

(1) Sign up for a monthly recurring professional clean.

(2) Completely forget you completed Step (1).

(3) Wait until you get a reminder text message notifying you that the cleaners will be at your home in about an hour.

(4) If you’ve done Steps (1) and (2) correctly, Step (3) should be met with an audible “Oh f**k, that’s today?!” followed by a frantic, across-the-home yell to a partner or kids, something to the effect of “shit, the cleaners are coming!!”

(5) Repeat Step (4) several times as you first appreciate, and then frantically try to address, the unsettling state of total disarray in your home.

Methodological Note: The real secret sauce here is the flywheel that’s organically generated from (a) the irrationally strong human fear of judgement & social embarrassment, (b) a highly compressed time runway, and (c) the powerful, if ironic, exogenous force of realizing that the person tasked with specifically addressing said disarray is also the person most strongly positioned to notice the full unfiltered extent of said disarray (and ruthlessly judge you because of it).

(5a) Optional: Indiscriminately suck as many members of the household as possible into the flywheel via hysterical grunts, snorts, and hullabaloos; boorish commands that are hard to follow; and the incessant repetition of “goddammit, the f**king cleaners” (or some variation) loudly and to no one in particular.

(6) When the cleaners ultimately do arrive at your home, simply let them know their services are no longer needed, since your home should at this point be in a markedly improved state. Any depreciation in cleanliness you must concede with the frantic approach is far outweighed by both (a) capital efficiency and (b) the immediate opportunity value of being able to privately bask in the ambrosial relief that envelops you, away from the sweaty, anxious tension that had been building right up until the clock hit zero.

Things to Keep in Mind:

(1) It’s possible that after a couple uses of this “hack,” the cleaning company will tell you to pound sand and refuse to do any further business with you. But having to find a new servicer is often to your advantage, because people you’ve never met before make the fear-of-judgement part of the flywheel move much faster.

(2) People (e.g., single men) have reported success with a slight variation on this recommendation, substituting the scheduled home clean with inviting a fledgling love interest to a date night in at your home. Don’t worry too much about timing when you send the invite, since you’ll most likely procrastinate all tidying until the literal day of. But if you’re concerned, simply open your dating app of choice the morning of and spray-and-pray invites to any and all subjects you find remotely attractive.

Disclaimer of Warranty:

Occasional but limited reports suggest this recommendation may be less effective for folks whose baseline sense of pride and self-respect has deteriorated below the threshold necessary to ignite the flywheel.